The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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