I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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