So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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