so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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