U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
