I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know her cup size but not her name....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
