4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
