I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
