can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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