Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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