everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
And then he peed in my hair
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