So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
