my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
NoShamevember. You game?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
