My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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