you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
