why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
