after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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