either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
