You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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