WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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