so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
