Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
