she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
