listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
