you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
