i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
