i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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