I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
