I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
