i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
