obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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