I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
