I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
