I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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