I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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