i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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