I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We named our party play list daddy issues
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
