atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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