I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
