So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
