tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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