i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
