my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
