I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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