dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
