I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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