if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
