you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
