I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
