If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
